Kid Tips: Lift and Separate--Separation Anxiety in Young Children

Kid Tips:

Lift and Separate—separation anxiety in young children at different levels of emotional development, with tips for easing the trauma for children and parents

One of the most common scenarios repeated daily in early childhood care settings is the sight of a crying toddler clinging to an anxious parent, trying to keep dad or mom from leaving her/him behind.  In the vast majority of these cases, the tantrum quickly subsides once the parent has been able to extricate her/himself and drive away.  Even when parents know this to be the case, these interactions can be exhausting and stressful for both parent and child. 

Secure attachment between a parent and child is a fundamental emotional building block for healthy psycho-social development.  A secure attachment is exactly that—a bond that is never questioned and always present.  It’s more than unconditional love—for a child, it’s the safety of knowing that there is always a caring adult who will protect you, and for the adult, it’s the assurance that your child trusts you and can count on you.

With so much riding on this essential connection, separation anxiety in varying degrees is an unavoidable, necessary, and generally predictable response, though the timing, intensity, and duration of separation responses is based on circumstance, experience, and personality.  All of these factors are critical to take into account anytime your child enters a new situation, or experiences a change in her/his physical, emotional, or contextual space.  We tend to think of separation anxiety as something that is experienced almost exclusively by very young children when they enter a new care situation, but, in fact, separation anxiety can be a result of many different types of changes, including:

·      Physical, emotional, or cognitive “growth spurts.”

·      Significant changes in routine or place, including extended vacations or change in residence.

·      Changes in family dynamics or composition, including death of a family member, even if that person has not been a significant daily presence in the child’s life, but is mourned by the child’s parent(s).

·      Friends who have moved, loss of a pet, or change in caregiver.

All of these, and other, events and experiences, can create a dynamic of uncertainty that, for children, can prompt a need for the reassurance of attachment.  Even though it may not seem like “separation” behavior, responses in such situations may be rooted in the basic human need for the certainty of connection.  Perhaps, rather than “separation” anxiety, it would be more helpful to think of it as “alteration” anxiety.

Sometimes, separation responses are delayed.  For example, many children experience separation anxiety immediately upon entering a new care situation, while others may be enveloped by the initial excitement, and not develop the separation response until the excitement has “worn off.”  This is particularly true for older children, who are better able to anticipate events and verbalize that anticipation, but then react with anxiety when that anticipation is no longer present.  For most situations of separation anxiety, regardless of the age of the child or the circumstance of the response, there are two main things to keep in mind when helping the child work through these difficulties:

·      LISTEN, WATCH, AND REASSURE: Separation responses are not always characterized by clinging and tantrums.  Watch for any type of regressive behavior, such as toileting problems, uncharacteristically finicky eating, sleep disturbances, helplessness, etc.  It is important to recognize these behaviors and respond compassionately without inadvertently reinforcing their continuation. 

·      BE CONSISTENT:  Especially in terms of discipline, it is reassuring for children to know that, even if other things have changed in their environment or routine, the reasonable expectations for their behavior have not.  Indulging negative behavior can actually do more harm than good, since it may signal to the child that there is even more uncertainty than he/she had thought.

With patience, consistency, and connection, separation (or alteration) responses can be emotionally positive growing experiences, for both child and parent.